I feel I am falling into this one.
Writing too much about writing. Thinking too much about the process. There are times when I sit here and feel I am writing a 5,000 word essay about the joys of riding a bike.
Some things are best explained by doing them.
Some things are only understood in the moment of performance.
That. That is writing and me. This? Writing about the rehab process of falling out and coming back? This will pass because there will be a point where there is no point. The thing I realize hurts the most is losing reader trust in my ability to finish a series or deliver a sequel on-time, but I can't worry about that - my books come at their own pace and on the time my creativity deems appropriate. But part of my I am doing this series is to document the struggle, each and every day, and hopefully people will read this and get a feeling that they too, yes, can come back from doing-nothing obscurity and re-join that world of writers and readers again.
Like life, being a writer is something we do because we enjoy both creating and sharing stories.
And my rehab? A story. It shall have an end. It has to.
Because I need to start that next story.
I am not intending this series to be a 'how to' either - it is just one writer's experiences with all my feelings and thoughts along the way written down for good measure. This is almost like a journal of a journey and all the things I saw and experienced along the way. All my frustrations and hang-ups are laid bare, some which may be familiar, others likely not so. All of my little problems and worries. All of my raw emotions.
Dealing with what I see. Learning to ignore. Learning to put myself first. Learning that being upset is not a replacement for putting in the hard work.
And if I don't put in the work?
My fault.
There are no easy excuses in this world, and there is always someone else willing to step up. But the point is to not be angry at that other person for putting in the hard work and being successful, but to be angry with yourself. But sometimes, we forget what we love, and we lose touch. We remove ourselves from reality, and we project the anger at ourselves onto other people. As a result, we grow further apart.
People don't want to hear from us anymore. They shut us out because we grow so negative. Our voice is lost. Part of rehab is not just building confidence in ourselves, but part of rehab is building confidence in others for what we do. I don't think you can come back if you think rehab is "just you." This is not just about you, it is about becoming a part of "us" again.
Can they trust you?
Do you want to be here, doing this?
Can you rejoin the community again and be a part of it?
I feel that is one of the big problems of social media and why it makes me so upset at times. Infinite people thinking this is "just about them." When in reality, it is not. this is "all about us" instead. It is the links we build, the communities we foster, and the trust we build in each other.
If we sit here blaming each other for our failings we will never build a community together.
In turn, this is why the news also makes me upset. Too often, these people will put stories on to make you angry. To divide us. To separate us into tribes and whip up the anger - just so we will tune in tomorrow to get our tribal indoctrination again. More anger. More division. And the cycle feeds back into social media where you clearly see the day's outrage poured back into our online communities and the cycle begins again.
Hatred is an open sewer of misery and despair. It brings both physical and mental disease to our communities. And I refuse to associate with it.
This is who I am.
It is a high-minded and very populist sounding slogan, yes, but you can't remove yourself from the sewage and hatred that pours into the places we frequent online. It means insulating yourself from it and culling it from these spaces. I run a very large and public transgender reading group on Facebook, and this week there was that hullabaloo about the 'first transgender Playmate' going on. I shared the link in my groups and the one thing people commented on was how negative the reactions were outside the groups I run versus reactions to the story inside of the places I moderate.
Part of this is because the groups I run are positive about such a thing and open to the idea of a Playmate who crosses gender lines. A given, yes. And another part is how I fostered a culture of trust and respect in the groups I run by being a total bitch when I moderate posts. I will not tolerate people who cause trouble or incite hate, they get banned. There are other places where people can be snarky and get under other people's skins, and I support those groups and that type of obscene but free speech. But in the places I run I know how things can get out of control, and if I let that sort of thing get out of control I would have no desire to moderate the group - because it would be a constant fight.
Yes, I am a hypocrite. Yes, I believe in free speech, but not in the places I moderate.
I have to keep the sewage out. There is no other way.
Not with the tools Facebook gives me.
Part of this is an understanding. The groups I run are informational, not for politics. You go to them to find books to read that are in your area of interest. Authors run promos there for books in the genre. Readers react. Sometimes, topics related to the subject matter are discussed. If your post adds to the discussion, it gets preserved. If you want to advertise five-dollar sunglasses, you get banned because you did not read the rules or respect the no-spam policy.
It goes back to the essay on riding a bike, but in a way, this is not a singular experience only one person can have. This is a community thing, and being a part of it, and accepting our roles in a larger sense. It is about responsibility, accepting it, and playing by the rules. And this is also about trust, the trust people place in me to create a space that fosters positive communication. And also, trust that I want to be a part of this and continue on.
And this responsibility and membership in a larger whole is difficult to put into words. Just like reviewing books and being a part of that author-support community.
Again, being a part of something larger is like riding that bike.
Something best experienced in the moment than endlessly described in inarticulate words.
And that come back to writing. Something best experienced in the moment.
We forget the enjoyment of the now so easily when we put too much trust in words, yet these are the things in which we use to create that enjoyment of a moment captured in time. We create positive places by being negative to hurtful input. The acceptance of being a part of something larger comes from the mind of one person. We must want this, so we accept a loss in articulation, freedom, or expression to build something greater.
Focusing light means it does not always go anywhere it wants to go, but in the act of focusing light a powerful energy is created. But there are times when you want to focus light, and other times when it should shine free.
A paradox, them all.
And again, something not easily described in words.
Writing too much about writing. Thinking too much about the process. There are times when I sit here and feel I am writing a 5,000 word essay about the joys of riding a bike.
Some things are best explained by doing them.
Some things are only understood in the moment of performance.
That. That is writing and me. This? Writing about the rehab process of falling out and coming back? This will pass because there will be a point where there is no point. The thing I realize hurts the most is losing reader trust in my ability to finish a series or deliver a sequel on-time, but I can't worry about that - my books come at their own pace and on the time my creativity deems appropriate. But part of my I am doing this series is to document the struggle, each and every day, and hopefully people will read this and get a feeling that they too, yes, can come back from doing-nothing obscurity and re-join that world of writers and readers again.
Like life, being a writer is something we do because we enjoy both creating and sharing stories.
And my rehab? A story. It shall have an end. It has to.
Because I need to start that next story.
I am not intending this series to be a 'how to' either - it is just one writer's experiences with all my feelings and thoughts along the way written down for good measure. This is almost like a journal of a journey and all the things I saw and experienced along the way. All my frustrations and hang-ups are laid bare, some which may be familiar, others likely not so. All of my little problems and worries. All of my raw emotions.
Dealing with what I see. Learning to ignore. Learning to put myself first. Learning that being upset is not a replacement for putting in the hard work.
And if I don't put in the work?
My fault.
There are no easy excuses in this world, and there is always someone else willing to step up. But the point is to not be angry at that other person for putting in the hard work and being successful, but to be angry with yourself. But sometimes, we forget what we love, and we lose touch. We remove ourselves from reality, and we project the anger at ourselves onto other people. As a result, we grow further apart.
People don't want to hear from us anymore. They shut us out because we grow so negative. Our voice is lost. Part of rehab is not just building confidence in ourselves, but part of rehab is building confidence in others for what we do. I don't think you can come back if you think rehab is "just you." This is not just about you, it is about becoming a part of "us" again.
Can they trust you?
Do you want to be here, doing this?
Can you rejoin the community again and be a part of it?
I feel that is one of the big problems of social media and why it makes me so upset at times. Infinite people thinking this is "just about them." When in reality, it is not. this is "all about us" instead. It is the links we build, the communities we foster, and the trust we build in each other.
If we sit here blaming each other for our failings we will never build a community together.
In turn, this is why the news also makes me upset. Too often, these people will put stories on to make you angry. To divide us. To separate us into tribes and whip up the anger - just so we will tune in tomorrow to get our tribal indoctrination again. More anger. More division. And the cycle feeds back into social media where you clearly see the day's outrage poured back into our online communities and the cycle begins again.
Hatred is an open sewer of misery and despair. It brings both physical and mental disease to our communities. And I refuse to associate with it.
This is who I am.
It is a high-minded and very populist sounding slogan, yes, but you can't remove yourself from the sewage and hatred that pours into the places we frequent online. It means insulating yourself from it and culling it from these spaces. I run a very large and public transgender reading group on Facebook, and this week there was that hullabaloo about the 'first transgender Playmate' going on. I shared the link in my groups and the one thing people commented on was how negative the reactions were outside the groups I run versus reactions to the story inside of the places I moderate.
Part of this is because the groups I run are positive about such a thing and open to the idea of a Playmate who crosses gender lines. A given, yes. And another part is how I fostered a culture of trust and respect in the groups I run by being a total bitch when I moderate posts. I will not tolerate people who cause trouble or incite hate, they get banned. There are other places where people can be snarky and get under other people's skins, and I support those groups and that type of obscene but free speech. But in the places I run I know how things can get out of control, and if I let that sort of thing get out of control I would have no desire to moderate the group - because it would be a constant fight.
Yes, I am a hypocrite. Yes, I believe in free speech, but not in the places I moderate.
I have to keep the sewage out. There is no other way.
Not with the tools Facebook gives me.
Part of this is an understanding. The groups I run are informational, not for politics. You go to them to find books to read that are in your area of interest. Authors run promos there for books in the genre. Readers react. Sometimes, topics related to the subject matter are discussed. If your post adds to the discussion, it gets preserved. If you want to advertise five-dollar sunglasses, you get banned because you did not read the rules or respect the no-spam policy.
It goes back to the essay on riding a bike, but in a way, this is not a singular experience only one person can have. This is a community thing, and being a part of it, and accepting our roles in a larger sense. It is about responsibility, accepting it, and playing by the rules. And this is also about trust, the trust people place in me to create a space that fosters positive communication. And also, trust that I want to be a part of this and continue on.
And this responsibility and membership in a larger whole is difficult to put into words. Just like reviewing books and being a part of that author-support community.
Again, being a part of something larger is like riding that bike.
Something best experienced in the moment than endlessly described in inarticulate words.
And that come back to writing. Something best experienced in the moment.
We forget the enjoyment of the now so easily when we put too much trust in words, yet these are the things in which we use to create that enjoyment of a moment captured in time. We create positive places by being negative to hurtful input. The acceptance of being a part of something larger comes from the mind of one person. We must want this, so we accept a loss in articulation, freedom, or expression to build something greater.
Focusing light means it does not always go anywhere it wants to go, but in the act of focusing light a powerful energy is created. But there are times when you want to focus light, and other times when it should shine free.
A paradox, them all.
And again, something not easily described in words.
Comments
Post a Comment