I thought I had stepped away from the game permanently.
After Darthaniel Black passed away, so did my will to do this. He was my partner, the one who shielded me from online jerks, the one who listened to my ideas, and always encouraged me to put out another book.
I struggled with his loss.
I was there when he left the Earth after a long battle where he fought as bravely as I could ever imagine a person could fight. I was in the room with his family. I spent long evenings with his brother after three-hour visits, heading to somber dinners where we would both reminisce for hours, knowing what was coming but trying to best be strong for him.
His brother is a kind and gentle soul who did not deserve this. I love him like a brother of my own.
He is also a certified genius like Darthaniel, his passion is art and writing like my own, and we stay in touch. His fight is like my own, a daily search for purpose and the endless grind of work that feels like it shall never amount to much in the worlds of our hearts.
I share another battle with him. Of loneliness and a existence scarred by a loss of purposefulness.
So on 1/1/2021, I took all my books down from the Amazon store. The futa-fantasy series was hanging around my neck like a wet towel, I could not find the passion to finish that series and I felt I could not start another until I did. A promise broken to the fans. One I could not find the passion to fill.
But why all? Perhaps I was being vain, perhaps I wanted to move on, perhaps I felt putting that part of my life in a box and shoving it in a closet would help make me feel better. And perhaps I was wrong.
And then, this week, someone came looking for my Paris Diamond books.
"Where are they? I am having trouble finding them!"
Why, oh fans, oh why?
Why can you not leave me to me isolation and solace, to experience the endless days which run one into the other, and leave me to my silence? Alone to never put finger to key again. Alone to experience the slow misery of failure and obscurity.
I kid, I love my fans, but this just goes to show you how persistent they are. Your fans will pull you out of Hell to get another book out of you, your current feelings and relationship with Satan be damned.
And for that, I love them all.
So Paris Diamond's books are back. On Black Wings and Bowlarama are back.
But the futa fantasy books will not be - not until I have a plan to finish them and I am ready to begin again.
And I said those words, ready to begin again.
I let out a long, painful sigh.
More so letting go of the pain which has been holding me back.
Inspiration, meet idle moments.
Fingers, meet keyboard.
It is time we get acquainted again.